The Silent Curse of Loneliness
Do you ever feel lonely? That there is no one you can turn to in a time of need? That despite your best efforts of reaching out to those around you, no one ever seems to take the time to do so in return for you? That if you were to simply vanish tomorrow, no one would even notice? It may sometimes feel as if you alone have been afflicted with this terrible curse, but the truth is that far more of us than you believe have felt this way at some point in our lives, perhaps at this very moment.
It is time we find out why.
One of the biggest misconceptions about loneliness is that we must be alone to experience it – nothing can be further from the truth. Loneliness is a purely subjective experience. In fact, some of the worst bouts of loneliness can come from being surrounded by people but having no one who we can relate to and connect with. Loneliness is also a completely natural state of mind. Much like how hunger and thirst alert us of our need to eat and drink, loneliness reminds us of our need for connections. It is meant to subside as we connect with the people around us. It is meant to be temporary.
At least, it is supposed to be.
What has happened for many of us instead is that loneliness has become chronic. Some of us may have even grown accustomed to it as a way of life. We may try to convince ourselves that we can power through life alone, and that we do not need anyone to fall back on. Whether it was due to a recent fallout with what we thought were our closest companions, or a lifetime of horrific betrayals from those we are supposed to trust most, we all have our reasons. But as hard as it may be to hear, our need for social connections has been deeply engrained in the fabric of our very being, passed down for generations from our ancestors who had to rely on one another to endure the hardships set forth by Mother Nature and their own kind. In their time, connection meant survival, and separation meant death. Which is why loneliness, when left to fester, can and will eventually kill. In fact, loneliness has been found to be just as if not deadlier than some of the most well-known killers in our modern times.
It is at this point that some well-meaning bystanders may chime in, “So loneliness is simply our minds’ way of telling us that we need more people in our lives? Hah, a simple problem with simple solutions. Go outside! Talk to people! Have more hobbies! Make more friends!” A quick search right now would reveal guides after guides that have been made on “How to Make Friends,” which usually contain ever classic advices such as “try talking to at least one stranger a day” and “try to open up your feelings and be more vulnerable.” Finally, with some practice and perseverance, we can all become the social butterflies we are always meant to be, never again to be left alone in the dust to rot.
Were it so easy.
You see, here lies the cruel paradox of loneliness. While our primal instincts urge us to get out there and find our tribe, another far more subtle one begins to take hold as well. It whispers into our ears words that we know not to be true, but nonetheless cannot help but believe. It tells us that the world is a dangerous place, full of terrible people ready to commit acts of unspeakable horror upon us. No one can be trusted. It is then your very perception of reality begins to distort. Your buddies said they are busy and cannot hang out with you tomorrow? They are not actually busy; they just hate your guts. Your cousin forgot to invite you to her birthday party last week? Lies, she never wanted you there in first place. And do not even get me started on that one guy you met yesterday who gave you his phone number and said, “We should hang out some time.” Only to drop off the face of the Earth never to be seen again. As everything around you seem more and more like a threat, reaching out becomes more and more like a chore. Soon, it took every ounce of your willpower just to say hello.
Such is the curse of loneliness.
As you grow increasingly tired and frustrated with each passing day, you thought to yourself, “What if I just stopped trying? Surely if any of those people are truly my friends, they would notice that something is wrong? Perhaps they will check up on me? Acknowledge that I still exist? Is that really too much to ask for?” And that is exactly what you decide to do – a trial by fire to see if they are truly the friends you believe they are. As you find yourself withdrawing more and more from the people around you, you got your answer. At first, a few casual invites to a happy hour here and there still came by, but eventually those stopped coming too. It is as if you have become completely invisible to the naked eye, and the whole wide world has moved on and left you behind.
You may still be able to put on quite a spectacular act, smiling and laughing with the people you occasionally encountered as you continue to wither away on the inside. Worst of all, you feel as if you are the only one uniquely doomed to suffer this hollow yet everlasting pain. It seems that everyone else around you is in good company, enjoying the gift of water and shades, while you alone are left to endure an unquenchable thirst under the scorching sun.
That is until you can bear it no longer and opt instead to retreat into the private sanctuary that is your own comfortable misery. It has already been what seemed like an eternity since you have had anyone who you can consider a true friend, and you believe that you are henceforth destined to live out the rest of your life well and truly alone. But that hole in your chest, that lump in your throat, it is suffocating. Your heart cries out for someone – anyone – to just tear through the thick layers of bandages you have wrapped yourself in for a wound that cannot be seen, to tell you that everything is going to be okay.
But no one can hear your silent screams and quiet tantrums, let alone be your friend.
This is not the first time someone has talked about loneliness, and it certainly will not be the last. In fact, loneliness has been acknowledged as one of the leading crises in our time. Let us put it this way. If you are to go outside right now and talk to three people. There is a decent chance that at least one of them struggles with loneliness on a frequent basis. Perhaps now you understand that as cliché as it may sound, you are not alone in your loneliness. Keep that in mind the next time you muster up the courage to say hello to someone.
“But everyone hates me!” some may protest, believing that the people around them have been tolerating their awkward attempts at small talk out of courtesy and pity. True, it is possible that your friends are all secretly meeting every Thursday evening to have a roundtable discussion about why they all hate you to your very core. It is also possible that some of them may be so swamped with the daily grind that they collapse into their beds every night with the same feelings of emptiness and dread that you do right this moment. It is also possible that some of them find themselves grappling with crippling social anxiety to the point which the very thought of having someone turn down their invitations is enough to paralyze them.
If all of this sound like a load of nonsense with a dash of fantasy, that is fine. The least you got out of all this is a little insight and a few minutes of entertainment. But for those of you who are seriously considering taking those critical first steps, it is important to keep in mind that it can take quite some time before you can start to see things in a different light. Loneliness changes how we perceive the world and the people around us, making us believe that we are cursed to ruin all that we touch. However, it is actually a totally normal and subjective experience that far more of us deal with than we have come to believe. And perhaps with this insight, we can learn to persevere through our internal doubts: A shared interest with a fellow acquaintance, a brief conversation that goes beyond the usual formalities, returning a favor however small from someone who has helped us out – sometimes, that is all we need to break the curse.
Selected References
Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., & Boomsma, D. I. (2014). Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness. Cognition & emotion, 28(1), 3-21. [LINK]
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of behavioral medicine, 40(2), 218-227. [LINK]
Heinrich, L. M., & Gullone, E. (2006). The clinical significance of loneliness: A literature review. Clinical psychology review, 26(6), 695-718. [LINK]
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS medicine, 7(7), e1000316. [LINK]
Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell. (2019). Loneliness. YouTube. [LINK]
Lim, M. H., Eres, R., & Vasan, S. (2020). Understanding loneliness in the twenty-first century: an update on correlates, risk factors, and potential solutions. Social psychiatry and psychiatric epidemiology, 55(7), 793-810. [LINK]
Matt D'Avella. (2019). The Loneliness Epidemic. YouTube. [LINK]
Murthy, V. (2020). Together: The healing power of human connection in a sometimes Lonely World. Harper Wave.
60 Minutes Australia (2019). Loneliness epidemic as deadly as smoking. YouTube. [LINK]
Weissbourd, R., Batanova, M., Lovison, V., & Torres, E. (2021). Loneliness in america: How the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness. Making Caring Common. [LINK]
